A 54-year-old woman who reconnected with a childhood friend after four decades says she is engaged but increasingly alarmed by his anger, drinking and lack of parenting. In a letter to advice column Dear Abby she described being with the man for “almost five years” and loving his two daughters “as if they were my own”, while feeling pushed to the point of leaving because her own wellbeing is suffering.
What the letter revealed
The woman says the girls are aged 11 and 13. She reports the younger child is already in therapy and taking medication for depression and anxiety. The girls’ mother is described as “useless and irresponsible” and their father as someone with persistent anger issues, a drinking problem and limited control or discipline when they are with him.
She says he has sometimes cursed at her and called her “horrible names” in front of the children, and that while couples therapy has produced some improvement, the core problems remain. The correspondent also disclosed she is bipolar and that her mental and physical health — including stomach issues, weight loss and psoriasis — have suffered under prolonged stress.
“My first thought is that you should change therapists if this one isn’t helpful,” the columnist advised.
Practical steps and options
The advice in the response — and common-sense steps for anyone in a similar situation — centre on protecting personal wellbeing while minimising harm to dependants.
- Prioritise mental-health care: if your current therapist is unhelpful, seek another professional. Different therapists use different approaches; switching can provide fresh perspective and practical strategies.
- Use peer support: the column suggested Al-Anon, a mutual-support network for people affected by someone else’s drinking, which can help with boundaries and coping strategies.
- Set and maintain boundaries: verbal abuse and public shaming in front of children are warning signs. Boundaries can include refusing to engage during outbursts and protecting children from witnessing abusive behaviour.
- Separate responsibility for the children: the correspondent was reminded that the children are ultimately the parents’ responsibility; you cannot be expected to fix another adult’s parenting or addiction alone.
- Plan an exit safely: if you decide to leave, explain to the children that it is not their fault, where appropriate, and take practical steps to protect your safety and finances.
Consequences and wider context
The situation highlights several broader issues that frequently surface in lifestyle and family coverage: the toll of living with someone’s addiction and anger on a partner’s physical and mental health, the blurred role adult partners sometimes occupy in stepparent-like relationships, and the particular vulnerability of children exposed to unstable parenting.
Leaving a relationship that includes aggression or substance misuse can carry emotional and practical consequences for everyone involved. The columnist’s counsel to prioritise the woman’s own therapy and to seek peer support recognises the limits of what a partner can change and underlines the importance of self-care when someone’s health is being damaged.
| Fact | Detail |
|---|---|
| Woman’s age | 54 |
| Time reconnected with childhood friend | 40 years |
| Length of relationship | Almost five years |
| Children’s ages | 11 and 13 |
Where to find help
The letter names Al-Anon as a possible support for people affected by another’s drinking, a well-known peer-support network offering meetings and literature for those coping with a loved one’s alcohol use. For anyone experiencing abuse, local domestic violence helplines, mental-health services and GPs can advise on safety planning and treatment options. If you or a child are at immediate risk, contact emergency services.
The correspondent’s dilemma — balancing concern for children with the need to protect her own health — will resonate with many who become informal carers or step-figures in complicated family dynamics. The practical through-line from the advice given is clear: you cannot repair someone else’s anger or addiction by staying; look after your own health first and seek external support to make change possible.
